The Steps We Must Take
by Geometrid
Summary: When one of Hogan's schemes has an unexpected outcome, there are certain steps that must be taken. Written for the 2015 Short Story Speedwriting Challenge.


It had seemed like such a good idea at the time. Stealing a shipment of gold bricks under the very noses of the Germans had been a crazy scheme, but they had managed to pull it off. Secretly rubbing it in the Germans' faces by building Colonel Klink's steps out of gold brick had greatly raised morale among the men. Hogan's excitement lasted until Major Krieger came into camp to search for the missing gold and Klink slammed a rifle down on the steps, chipping the paint and exposing the gold underneath. Fortunately for Hogan, the Gestapo couldn't imagine that anyone would hide the gold in plain sight, and did not inspect the steps closely. They turned the camp inside out, but found no gold. After they left, Hogan signaled to Lebeau to come to the steps where he was sitting.

"Lebeau," said Hogan. "Do we have any more of the brick red paint left in our supply room?"

"Oui, Colonel," he replied. "We have two buckets left. Why do you need it?"

Hogan lifted his foot, displaying the exposed gold. "This is why I need it. We can't risk visiting brass or one of the less tame guards looking down and spotting what is really here. Bring back Kinch and the paint and have Carter and Newkirk distract the guards."

Within 5 minutes, Hogan could hear a loud commotion coming from the other side of camp. Kinch and Lebeau hurried across the compound toward him.

"Problem with the steps, Colonel?" asked Kinch.

"Unfortunately, Klink dropped a rifle on them and some of the paint chipped off." Hogan lifted his foot to show the gold shining underneath.

Kinch pulled a tin can of paint from underneath his jacket. Lebeau took a paint brush from his pocket and handed it to Kinch.

"I'll have this good as new in just a minute," said Kinch. "I'll put an extra layer on this spot for now, and maybe you can persuade Klink to let us paint the steps again soon. I'm afraid the paint job on these bricks was a bit rushed."

Hogan grimaced as reality struck home. "I'm afraid this is just a temporary fix. Anything heavy and sharp that drops on these steps could expose the truth. We're going to have to remove these steps."

"Remove the steps!" Lebeau gasped. "But we just persuaded Klink to let us put in these steps. How are we going to convince him that they need to be removed?"

"That's what I'm still working on," Hogan said wryly.

As the three entered the barracks, they could hear Newkirk and Carter laughing uncontrollably.

"That distraction was perfect, Newkirk!" Carter laughed.

"Thank you, Carter. I've 'ad a few good ideas in me time." Newkirk bowed to an imaginary audience.

"All right, fellows," Hogan announced. "We have a problem on our hands." The group's faces became serious as they turned toward him.

"What is it?" asked Carter. "Is it something to blow up? I have some great dynamite just waiting to be used on a problem."

"No, Carter," said Hogan. "I'm afraid this problem is a bit more complicated. We're going to have to remove the "brick" steps we just put up for Klink."

"And just 'ow are we going to do that?" asked Newkirk incredulously. "We just built those bleedin' steps!"

"Then we'll just have to persuade Klink that he doesn't want those steps anymore," Hogan said confidently.

"It's too bad we don't have some bananas," Carter mused to himself. "We could cover the steps with banana peels and…"

"Carter, shut up," Newkirk interrupted. "Can't you see this is important?"

"Wait a minute," said Hogan. "Carter might have a good idea."

"I do? Where are we getting the bananas? Are we going to get London to air drop some?" Carter asked.

Hogan laid out the plan. "Lebeau, make some strudel. You'll be distracting Schultz tonight. Kinch and I will be pouring water on the steps to make them icy. Carter, you'll make a border to attach to the steps and hold in the water. And Newkirk, start a pottery class."

"A pottery class?" Newkirk asked. "What do we make?"

"I don't care what you make," answered Hogan. "Just have at least two poorly made things ready to show Klink by tomorrow morning."

"Roll call! Everybody out for roll call!" Schultz's loud voice woke them up immediately.

"Come on, Schultzie, just one more hour," groaned LeBeau. "Is this all the thanks I get for making you strudel?"

"Strudel." Schultz rolled the word off his tongue with a distant expression on his face. Then he became serious again. "Roll call! You are always late!"

The men were eager to see how their plan worked. They didn't have to wait long.

Klink came out of the Kommandantur, still putting in his monocle. He headed toward the steps. "Report! Oh…Oww…Ow! Shultz!

Klink slid down the steps as the prisoners laughed hysterically at the picture their Kommandant presented. Schultz hurried over to help him up.

"Kommandant, what happened?" Schultz pulled Klink to his feet on the steps and tried to brush him off, but he slid off his feet once again, pulling Schultz with him.

"Schultz! Get up!" Klink was definitely perturbed to have all 300 pounds of Shultz crushing him.

"Sorry, Kommandant," Schultz apologized. "I haven't had my morning snack yet, and it makes me unsteady on my feet." He heaved himself to his feet and helped Klink stand, this time on the ground.

Klink marched stiffly toward the steps, then thought better of that idea. Schultz hurried after him and helped him climb onto the porch. Klink hurried into the Kommandantur, slamming the door behind him.

The other prisoners dispersed throughout the camp. Hogan motioned his men into his office.

"Ok, time for phase two of our plan. Newkirk, get the worst pottery your class made. I'm going to give Klink a good excuse to get rid of the steps."

Carrying a plate shaped like a fish and something that vaguely resembled a mug, Hogan marched into Klink's office.

"I'm here to lodge a complaint for my men. The materials we have to work with for our pottery class are terrible. Two of our most talented artists in camp are in the class, and look at these specimens!" Hogan failed to mention that the objects in question were most certainly not made by those artists.

"I don't have time to concern myself with your pottery class. I didn't even know you had one." Klink pulled out a bottle of aspirin. "I'm more concerned about those steps you put in. You promised me they would be better than the wood steps, and already they're worse."

"If only we had better clay. Have you ever heard of brickmulsification, sir?" Hogan asked, making up the word on the spot.

"No, I haven't. What is it?" Klink took the bait easily.

"It was invented by a little old lady from Leningrad. You grind up old bricks by rubbing them together, then mix the powder with water and use the mixture to make pottery. Why, if we had some bricks, we could even make something nice for you. But we don't have any." Hogan gave a mock sigh of despair.

Klink suddenly looked relieved. "Thank you, Hogan. I've just had an idea."

"Of course you have, with that brilliant mind of yours, sir. You are going to order some bricks for us out of the goodness of your heart. Why, we'd expect nothing less from the Iron Colonel." Hogan laid on the flattery thickly.

"Wrong!" said Klink. "Your men are going to tear out the steps and build me new ones out of wood. You can keep the bricks for your pottery class."

"You think we'll do all that work for nothing? Get your men to do the work." Hogan moved towards the door as he spoke.

"One extra slice of white bread per man for three days and fifteen minutes of extra electric light in the barracks?" Klink bargained.

"One extra slice of white bread per man for a week and thirty minutes of extra electric light in the barracks," Hogan stated.

"All right. But I want those steps torn out and new ones built by tonight." Klink clearly didn't want to take any chances he would fall again.

Hogan gave his typical sloppy salute and left the office, taking the poor specimens of pottery with him. Kinch met him at the door of the barracks.

"Did Klink agree to let us tear out the steps?" he asked.

"Not only that, but he's giving us the bricks. Newkirk, get your best pottery makers to color all their creations with brick colored paint. We'll put the 'bricks' in the tunnel for safekeeping, and Klink won't be looking for them."

The removal went quickly, since there was no reason to dawdle. The bricks were carried to the barracks where the "grinding" was taking place and handed down to men in the tunnel. Others carried cans of brick colored paint to the recreation hall, where they was poured into the clay.

"What in the cans?" Shultz asked Carter. "Is LeBeau making something good to eat?"

"No, Schultz." Carter said. "This is ground brick mixed with water. We're using it to make pottery."

"Do you think you could make me a plate or something?" Schultz asked. "My old one is a little cracked."

"Maybe," answered Carter. "We might need a lot more bricks to make a plate big enough for you."

"Jolly joker," Schultz replied. "At least you aren't up to any monkey business today."

After the next morning's roll call, Hogan went to the office to present Klink with a vase crafted by one of the prisoners.

"The men wanted you to have this, sir," Hogan told Klink. "You've given us more than you know."

"Your men used those bricks to make this?" Klink asked incredulously. "Amazing! I would never have thought that bricks could be used to make something like this."

"Let me assure you, sir," Hogan grinned. "Those bricks are a gold mine to us."

The end.

Author's note: This is a continuation of the episode The Gold Rush. This is my explanation for the steps changing from brick to wood in the next episode and for the rest of the series.


End file.
